My name is Brenda and this is my IVF story as told through emails. In September of 1998 I met a group of women on the Fertile Thoughts (http://www.fertilethoughts.net) bulletin boards, who were going to be doing their IVF cycles in November. One member in the group had the brilliant idea to start an email list so that we could keep in touch with each other. Without the members of this email list I would have had a hard time coping with all the things that were to come. I owe each of them so much.

Hello everyone,

I'm up to my eyeballs cleaning up the house for our houseguests who are arriving tomorrow. I was feeling kind of lonely and then I realized why. I haven't checked my email yet today. Lo and behold, there were 4 messages from my Nov IVF CBs. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. We will get through this together.

I'm still waiting for AF (28 days will be this Friday). She is never on time though. I start Synarel on day 22 of the cycle. I can't wait. When this weekend is over, I will email you all my story.

I hope everyone is holding up fine with the waiting process.

++++ thoughts, Brenda

PS: Setting up a chat is a great idea. Weekday evenings are usually a good time for me. Does anyone else have a preference?

Hi everyone,

Well, my busy weekend is over. How are you all doing? Anyone had AF yet?? I'm still waiting for Af to arrive (CD 31). I just know that my body doesn't want to cooperate with any endeavors of mine for having a child.

I promised I would let you know my story. I'm 29 (almost 30 YIKES!!) and dh is 34. We have been trying to get pg for 14 months. I always thought that I would have trouble having babies, b/c in my early twenties my cycles started going out of whack. My family doctors and dh tried to tell me it was all in my head. I guess I proved them wrong. By the time we started trying, I was already a nut case. The first time I got AF after BMS, was the same day that my parents were leaving, after their vacation with us, and the same day that Princess Di died. I cried all day long. After 6 months of trying, I insisted that we start doing some testing. My first u/s revealed a cystic mass. Several months and 2 doctors later, my RE confirmed during a lap that both of my tubes were hydrosalpinges (blocked, swollen fallopian tubes). Somewhere during this time I found FT and I realized that I am not alone. Thank goodness I found you.

Answers to some of your questions: I have been taking Pre-natal vitamins for 2 years now. Our clinic recommends that you at least take supplemental folic acid (0.4 - 1.0 ml per day). Any weekday night is good for me to chat. I think I'm in the Eastern time zone. Just let me know the date and time and I'll be there.

I'm sending you all ++++ thoughts. Hopefully AF will arrive for the rest of us soon, so we can get underway.

Take care, Brenda

Hello again,

Wednesday night at 9-10 sounds great for a chat time to me. Are we talking about this week?

Okay, so I have been known to see what a pillow would look like under a big shirt. It would be so exciting to have a baby growing inside of me. I haven't thought about it lately though. The closer I get to actually trying IVF, the more I'm scared it won't work. Maybe I'll be more upbeat once AF arrives. Right now I don't even know how many days it will be until I can start the drugs. As to the telling the family and friends thing. I have told almost everyone I know now, even acquaintances. It feels a lot better now that we are not trying to hide anything. I'm very honest about what is happening to me, but I also let people know when they are stepping on my toes.

I'm looking forward to our chat. As always sending you ++++ thoughts.

Take care, Brenda

Hello everyone and a special welcome to all those new people!

AF is FINALLY HERE!! For those of you who don't know me I have been complaining and waiting for AF to show up for a while (37 days). Today is the Canadian Thanksgiving, so I'm especially grateful that she arrived yesterday. I've been talking about AF for so long, I'm beginning to think she is actually a person. I was going to set a place for her at the table. LOL

Tuesday I have to go for my day 3 bloodwork. They want to make sure my ovaries are still kicking (FSH) and check my prolactin level. Last time they checked my prolactin level it was a bit higher than normal. If it is still too high, I may have to take one additional drug. If my bloodwork checks out alright, I start Synarel on Nov 1st, which means that R & T will happen at the end of November or beginning of December.

I'm looking forward to hearing how all of you are doing over the next few weeks. It looks like I'm going to be near the end of the pack. Is anyone still waiting for AF? If so, I am doing a tribal AF dance for you to speed things along. I am sending you all many, many ++++ thoughts.

Take care, Brenda

Hello everyone,

It was nice to chat with some of you last night. I am sorry that some of you who wanted to, couldn't make it. I hope we will see you at next week's chat. How was the time for everyone? Should we make it earlier? Is Wednesday still a good day to hold it? If you didn't see your name in the November IVF directory and want to be added, please send your information to me. I will email out a revised copy of the directory before the next chat.

My Update: BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. Today I went in for the dreaded u/s. I was sure that they would find something wrong, but everything looked normal. YEAHHHH!!!! I will be starting Synarel on November 1st, which means the earliest they would do the retrieval would be the week of November 22nd. My FSH level was 9 (the clinic considers anything btwn 1-10 normal), but my Prolactin level was sky high at 74 (the clinic considers anything btwn 0-28 normal). They have given me the drug Bromocriptine (in tablet form) to take once a day before I go to bed. The clinic also said that my doctor will want to monitor my Prolactin level even after the IVF to see if it is still high. If it remains high, it could mean that I have a growth on my pituitary gland. But right now I'm not worried, I'm just ecstatic to be able to start my IVF cycle.

I hope everyone has an awesome day! :-)

Take care, Brenda

Hello everyone,

It has been an exciting week. I am an aunt again. I hope the saying isn't the same for aunts as it is for bride's maids, b/c I'm a third time aunt now. My little sister gave birth to her first - a baby boy. She was in labor for 48 hours and then had to have a C-section anyway. It was really hard for her. She was sick her whole pg, even while she was in labor. But I am sure you would agree, we would all trade places with her, if we could only get pg. I don't live close to her, so I probably won't see the baby for some time. It was really hard for me eight months ago, when she told me she was pg. We were just at the beginning of the diagnosis stage and she got pg just like that. It seemed so unfair. She is also 2 years younger than me and she got to be the one to make my parents first time grandparents. I feel much more optimistic now though. I have my November IVF support team, ready to leap into action if I should need some ++++ thoughts. I have something to look forward to. We can get through this mission impossible together.

Other than that, I'm waiting to start my Synarel on November 1st. Suppression check is set for November 12th. The Bromocriptine that I am taking to suppress my Prolactin level must be working or at least I have the side effects. I have a stuffy nose and sometimes get a headache, but all of it will be worth it, if we get pg. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to keep Nov IVF organized. I am a librarian by profession and need something to keep me busy, otherwise I get the mopes. Thanks to you all for making Nov IVF a success. Keep your stories and updates coming.

Thanks to all those who were at the chat last night. I'm sorry that some of you had problems getting there. We'll just have to try again next week.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I am sending you ++++ thoughts to add in with those medications.

Take care, Brenda

Hello friends,

I don't really have an update this week. I will be starting Synarel on Sunday. I just want to thank everyone for all your wonderful emails. I read each and every one, but it is getting difficult to respond to all of them. I am praying for all of you. Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me.

Take care, Brenda

Hello everyone,

I thought it was time to post an update again. I am now on day 4 of Synarel (the nasal spray equivalent of Lupron). I am not having any side effects from the Synarel, just anxiety that I am not taking it right. I called the IVF clinic today and they said that I am doing it right. They also told me that I will be on the Bromocriptine (for Prolactin suppression) until I have my pg test. The stuffy nose that I had when I started taking the Bromocriptine has subsided somewhat. Luckily I only get a stuffy nose in the evening after I take the nasal spray. My suppression check is set for November 12th, so I probably won't be posting an update until then. That is, unless I get a really wicked hot flash that I want to share with my CBs. I am sending out ++++ thoughts to all my fellow Nov & Dec IVFers.

Take care, Brenda

Hello my dear cycle buddies,

I went in for my suppression check this morning and I am officially suppressed. Yeahhhh!!!! Apparently the Synarel does work. My E2 level was below *100 and my prolactin level was 9, which is all I needed to make the passing grade to go onto the stim drugs. This afternoon a nurse at the clinic taught me how to give myself Puregon injections. The first thing the nurse asked me was: "Are you a bleeder?" I didn't know. How are you supposed to know that unless, you've had a major reason to bleed before. But sure enough I am a bleeder. Fair skinned people are more likely to bleed after a subQ injection than others. Did you know that? It was really easy though. Thanks to whoever it was, who gave me those motivational words to say to myself before plunging the needle into my skin: "How much do I want this baby?" and WHAM I was able to do it just like that.

Now I just have to get through the next 5 days until I go for my first stim b/w on Tuesday. I am going to try to keep myself busy by getting my Christmas parcels ready to send off and of course by writing to you all. Without you I would be a total mess right now. I don't have time to get impatient or anxious, b/c I have all of your emails to read and all of your stories to keep me motivated. I am sending you all a large dose of ++++ thoughts! Don't worry ++++ thoughts don't need to be taken by injection.

Love, Brenda

Hello cycle buddies,

I was so proud of myself, being able to give myself injections all alone. Well, no longer! Today I ended up wasting about 20 IUs of Puregon. I had just finished mixing 50 IU of Puregon and was injecting it into the 100 IU vial when I looked up. Yes, and I injected some of those 50 IU right onto the countertop. I was horrified and devastated. The clinic had closed their phone lines already, dh was unavailable at work and I was alone crying over spilt Puregon. I pulled myself together and decided that I hadn't wasted too much and that it would be even more of a waste ($$$$) to start over from scratch. So I injected the remaining dosage. The clinic called me back 15 minutes later (I had left a message) and they tried to calm me down by saying that they would have advised me to do exactly what I did. Well, girls next time I'm wearing my glasses and I will keep my eyes on the vial at all times. Of course this didn't exactly make me feel better. I have been crying and moping around all night. Perfectionists don't let themselves off the hook easily. I hope that no one else repeats my great performance!

Onto better news ... I had my day 6 bloodwork today and my E2 is at *557. The clinic says anything over *500 is good for day 6. That means I won't have to go back for b/w and my first u/s until day 8 (Thursday). Tomorrow I will do a better job of injecting the Puregon and I will hopefully still be within the correct E2 range on Thursday. At least I know what I'll be worrying about until Thursday. I always have to have something (smiles).

I hope that you all had a better day than me. I pray that we get some ++++ results from our little group soon.

Love, Brenda

Hello everyone,

I'm on day 8 of my Puregon injections today and had my first u/s. My RE was delayed due to emergency surgery in the morning, so the u/s was really quick and I didn't get too much information. I don't know how many follicles I have, only that I am normal for day 8, whatever that means. With Puregon it takes an average of 13 days to be fully stimulated. My E2 level was *1222 today and they haven't changed my dosage (150 IUs or Puregon/day). I will go in for more b/w and another u/s on Saturday.

I really think the Puregon is starting to affect my mind. I'm so nervous about how my follicles are growing. I was much calmer when I was just on Synarel. I guess now there is so much more at stake. Dh is calm as ever. He thinks everything is fine.

Good Luck to everyone doing their retrievals tomorrow. I know of at least three of you. To all those who are waiting to start medications or in the 2-week wait, I hope it goes quickly for you. I am praying for all of us.

Love, Brenda

Hello everyone,

Well now I really know that I am going crazy from the Puregon. On Thursday, I could really feel my ovaries all day long. I continued to feel them until Friday evening, then nothing. Thursday evening I could barely sleep, b/c I was so sore. Friday night I had no soreness whatsoever. I woke up at midnight on Friday and I started obsessing about the fact that I couldn't feel my ovaries anymore. Dh came home from the university and I told him I thought I ovulated, b/c I wasn't sore anymore. He thought I was being silly and unrealistic. I was tired and irrational and I really made myself believe that I had ovulated. I had a terrible night and could barely sleep. I was so depressed.

Today when I went in for my u/s, the doctor and nurse laughed at me, when I told them I thought I had ovulated. And of course dh was right, everything was fine. Now I definitely won't win any awards for the most follicles, but we do have some growing. Today is day 10 of stims and I have 8 follicles over 1.0 cm: Right side: 1.2, 1.4 and four 1.3s Left side: 1.0, 1.2, and three smaller than 1.0. My E2 was *3422 today. I have this feeling that American and Canadian E2 numbers are not comparable. Does anyone know if this is true? I go back for my next b/w and u/s on Monday. The way things are growing right now, I imagine I won't have retrieval until the earliest, Thursday or Friday.

I am very encouraged by the good news from our group this week and I am saddened by the bad. As for myself, I think I'll be fine, if I can stop my overactive, obsessive imagination from continuing. I have made a promise to myself to try to be very positive from now on. I hope I can keep it. I hope and pray that everyone is having a good weekend and that we will have many more ++++ updates in the future.

Love, Brenda

Hello again,

I have managed to keep my imagination in check since Saturday, so I'm a little more relaxed. Today I went in for another b/w and u/s. I now have 14 follicles over 1 cm. For those of you who are obsessive like me. Here are my numbers: Right side: 1.2, 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6, 1.7, 1.7, 2.1 Left side: 1.0, 1.2, 1.3, 1.3, 1.4, 1.5. Our clinic considers a follicle mature when it is between 1.8 and 2.3 cm. My E2 level is *7652. The clinic likes to see *750-1000 units of E2 for every mature follicle. I found out that the Canadian and American numbers can't be compared. I will ask the clinic how to convert the numbers. I will be going in for more b/w and another u/s tomorrow. So yes you will be getting another update from me tomorrow. I think that my retrieval will be on Friday or Saturday depending on how my numbers add up. Thanks for putting up with all my updates. I read all of your updates with enthusiasm too!

Sorry I have had my head in the clouds lately. Things will be back to normal again, a few days after my retrieval and transfer.

Take care, Brenda

Hello everyone!

Well it looks like my retrieval is scheduled for Friday. I will be taking Synarel and Puregon tomorrow (Wednesday) still and will take my hCG later that night. I don't have to do anymore b/w or u/s. My Estradiol level was *9353 today. For those of you who want to convert my Canadian numbers to American, Cdn. numbers are measured in Picomols (sp. ?) and Am. in Picograms. The Cnd. numbers are approximately 3 times greater than the American numbers (Note: Click here to find out how to convert Canadian E2 numbers to American). My Estradiol in American numbers is around 2500 today.

Today I had 12 follicles, down from 14 yesterday. Right side: 1.6, 1.7, 1.7, 1.8, 2.0, 2.0 2.3 Left side: 1.3, 1.5, 1.5, 1.8, 2.1. They were using an older u/s machine and it was harder to see the follicles, so that probably explains how I lost 2 follicles. Anyway for once I'm not worried about the follicle numbers. I'm just a little nervous about how the next few days will play out. I'm not scared about the retrieval, I just hope and pray that I will have some embies to transfer to me.

I will let everyone know on Saturday how my retrieval went and if any of my eggies are accepting the advances of dh's handsome spermies. I am sending you all ++++ thoughts.

Love, Brenda

Brenda had her retrieval today. It went very well. They got 17 eggs. Brenda was fine during the retrieval. She is now resting and will likely not be very active for a few days. I thought the group might want to hear from her. You can continue to send her email. I will try to print some messages and pass them on to her. Her transfer is scheduled for Sunday morning. I am very proud of her.

Best wishes to all of you!
(Brenda's DH)

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your kind words of support. They really mean a lot to me. I have managed to get up out of bed for a little while to write you this note. I am a little sore, a lot bloated and I am still spotting a bit from the retrieval. The clinic staff told me to spend a day in bed to give my ovaries a break. The retrieval went fine, except for one follicle which hurt quite a bit. Today we found out that 12 of the 17 eggies fertilized. Now we are just hoping that some of those 12 will divide overnight. My transfer will be at around 11am tomorrow morning. I am so looking forward to having this part of the cycle over with.

I have scheduled a chat for tomorrow night (Sunday) at 8pm in the choose-topic room. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make it this week. I will be lounging around in bed (tee hee hee). I hope you have a good time without me. I will be chatting again on Wednesday night. I will post my update when I finally get out of bed (maybe Tuesday). I will be praying for everyone in our little group.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

Hello everyone,

I managed to roll out of bed today. I am feeling much better. Yesterday I was still really sore (just my ovaries). My ovaries hurt whenever I went to the bathroom. Did anyone else experience this? I think it was b/c my ovaries were being shifted from a horizontal position to a vertical position and they didn't appreciate it. We transferred 3 embies on Sunday. They were all 4-cell (1 grade A, 1 grade B, 1 grade C). I don't care what grades they got at the lab, I love each of them the same. All 12 of the embies that fertilized went onto divide. That means we have 9 little hopefuls waiting for us in the future. I feel so fortunate to have made it this far. Now I just have to stay calm and be patient for the next 2 weeks.

For those of you who are already pg, could you please tell me if and when you had any pg symptoms and how many days post-transfer you started to experience them. Also to be precise, please let me know how many days after the retrieval you had your transfer. As I had a day 2 transfer, I will be different than most of you.

I really, really appreciate all the emails that I received over the past few days. Your support means the world to me. It's going to take me a while to catch up with all my email. I'm going to take it slowly, b/c I don't want overwhelm myself. I will try to make it to tomorrow night's chat. I'm praying for everyone in our group.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

Hello my dear friends,

It has been 7 days since we transferred our 3 precious embies and I don't feel one bit pg. I'm having a hard time trying to keep my spirits up. Even as I write this I feel like crying. The only thing that is holding me together is working together with my dh to assemble a 3D-puzzle that we got last year for Christmas. I know that sounds pretty sad, but it's the truth. As long as I keep my mind working doing something tedious, I'm fine. I really thought the hardest part of IVF was getting past the retrieval and transfer stage, but now I know the awful truth. It doesn't get any easier until you know the outcome of your cycle. I was just wondering, how does everyone else manage to keep it together? Any advice would be appreciated.

++++ thoughts
Love, Brenda

PS: I already feel a bit better just having written this. Thanks

Hello everyone,

Here I go again. I'm trying to remain calm and neutral on the issue of pg symptoms, but at lunchtime when I went to the bathroom I found spotting on the tissue. It was very little, but spotting nonetheless. I am continuing to spot. Of course now I am paranoid and I am checking more often. Please ignore the next part if you don't want to be grossed out. It started out red in color, and now is kind of brownish in color and kind of stringy. For those of you who spotted or got AF before their pg test, could you please tell me what your spotting was like, how many days post transfer you experienced the spotting and for how long it lasted. Any information on the topic would be very much appreciated. Once again, I know it is too soon to tell anything. Hopefully the spotting will stop soon.

Thanks in advance for helping me out.
Love, Brenda

Dear friends,

Gosh, I am overwhelmed with the love and support everyone has shown me over my spotting yesterday. I can't write back to each of you individually, but I just wanted to express my gratitude. I am still spotting (now brownish in color and still stringy). Last night I was convinced that AF was arriving. I had the usual AF cramps and the spotting was reddish in color. I woke up dh in the middle of the night and told him I thought my cycle was over. Then I started to cry. Something that I have not allowed myself to do for weeks, b/c I feared my sadness might effect the embies. My eternal optimist dh, tried to calm me down by saying it may not be over yet. But I just felt in my heart it was over. Now in the light of morning, I honestly still don't know. I really feel like AF is just around the corner, but I don't have quite enough proof yet. I know that many of you who had spotting went on to become pg and that gives me just enough hope to carry one positive thought with me. Oh yes and I might add the crying really did help me. I feel numb now and not sad. I think I really needed a good cry. I'm so happy that I have all of you to share my thoughts and feelings with. Dh can only partly understand and the clinic won't commit to telling me anything concrete. Thanks again to all of you.

Love, Brenda

Dear friends,

I'm so sad to report that AF has arrived. My heart is broken. I called the clinic, but they won't do a beta hCG test until Sunday. I did an HPT this afternoon and it was negative. I will do the beta hCG on Sunday, just to bring some closure to this cycle. Never in a million years, would I have thought that AF would arrive before my pg test. AF is always late for me. It must be some kind of a cruel joke that AF came early this time. (tears rolling down my cheeks dropping on the floor). I need to take some time to mourn the loss of our embies, before I can move on and find the sunshine in my life again.

I have to remind myself that we are still further along now, than we were at the beginning of the cycle. I have met many wonderful people in this group. Your stories have enriched me and you have helped me more that you will ever know. Dh and I also still have nine little babysicles waiting for us in a few months. Our clinic will make us wait 3 months before doing FET. My sincerest wish is that by then, all of you will have gone on and become pg. Thanks for supporting me through all this.

Love, Brenda

PS: As I mentioned in a previous email, I will continue to remain with the group, until everyone is finished with their cycles.

December 15, 1998 - Turning Negatives into Positives

Dear friends,

It has been a hard few days getting over the disappointment of our first negative IVF. I'm still a bit sad, but each day is a little easier. On Sunday the negative IVF was officially confirmed. After four days of a heavy AF, we were fully prepared for a negative result. I want to thank all of you for the support you have given me over the past few days. I apologize for being a bit distant lately, but I needed some time to myself.

I have spent the last few days moping, but now I am ready to turn the negative into a positive. We still have to wait 3 months for our FET, so I'm faced with having to fill this time with something constructive. I would like to build a website for women like us, who are going through IVF. This site would have inspirational stories and answers to frequently asked questions. Not the usual wishy-washy answers that the clinics give us, but answers told straight from the heart and our experiences.

If you have any stories, suggestions or ideas for this website, they would be greatly appreciated. Creating this website will be an opportunity for us to spread some of our positive energy to other IVFers. I am hoping that all this positive energy will help create positive results. Thanks in advance for your input and support.

Love, Brenda