I am 36, (37 in January). My dh is the same age as me. We met when we were 19 at university and got married when we were 21. We live in a very beautiful part of north-east Scotland. I always wanted to have loads of kids :-) but at the same time I always had it in the back of my mind that I couldn't take being able to have kids for granted. My mum had 5 late miscarriages before my brothers, sisters and I were born. But I never thought I'd have trouble conceiving. We didn't start trying to have a baby until we were 27. I guess after a year I suspected that something was wrong, but my dh followed his typical private instincts and didn't want to do anything about it. Years passed and would you believe it, I kidded myself every month that maybe this month I would be pregnant. In 1996 my father got cancer and I had this awful dream that he had died and I still hadn't had any kids. Well my dad was actually cured of cancer but in the middle of 1996 my dh's father died suddenly of a heart attack. Again the regrets came flooding in, dh's father would never see our children. Straight after he died I admitted to my parents that we had been trying to have kids for 6 years. They thought we were just delaying it and had been moaning at me for years to start a family. My dh realised for the first time that he actually wanted to do something about our fertility problems. But after his dad died things were very hard for us, he was so unhappy that he decided not to go forward with fertility investigations. I felt my whole life caving in on me at that point. Everything I had ever wanted looked like it was totally impossible. I had believed since my teens that God's plan was for me to have a family, so I couldn't understand what was going on.

Once my dh's grief had subsided we were fine again. I would say that for about a year he saw the world as a horrible place so needless to say we took no action on our fertility problems.

Finally 2 years ago we made our first appointment with the hospital. They did all the usual blood tests etc. Would you believe that my dh procrastinated again and didn't complete his tests for another year!! I think he felt deep down that it was all hopeless and he didn't want to hear them actually say it. Meanwhile my biological clock was going absolutely berserk! I was 35 by this time.

Well finally a year ago we went to get our results.

I was convinced I would be the cause of all our problems, I think women usually do blame themselves. Well it turned out that my dh had a very low sperm count and motility etc. They said the only way we could have kids was through ICSI. At first we were devastated by the news, but at least it really focused our minds and we knew we had to really get going on the treatment.

We had to wait 6 months to get treatment and we were funding the cycle. Our slot probably came at the worst time for us. We live at 854feet and get very bad snow in the winter. We have to leave the car a mile away from the house by the public road in the winter and then climb uphill through snowdrifts. The snow started falling just as I started injections. I couldn't make the first blood test because a storm had also closed the public road. I made my 2nd and 3rd blood tests but by that time I was already feeling quite ill. I was hyperstimulating and climbing through snowdrifts wasn't helping any.

After only 5 days on injections they went for retrieval because my E2 level was off the chart and my follicles were going crazy! The rule here is that if you have over 20 eggs then they class this as hyperstimulation and will not usually do the transfer. Well I had 21 eggs! So it was touch and go whether or not they would go for a transfer. I think they thought they would go ahead because I was borderline and I said I felt fine!! Would you believe the sperm count of my dh was much higher than previously, so because of the number of eggs they decided to use half for ICSI and half for IVF. I went home and felt quite miserable and in a lot of pain. I thought this was normal because this was my 1st IVF and I knew you should experience some discomfort.

We rang up the next day to see how many eggs had fertilised. Out of 21 eggs only 6 had fertilised! I began to feel even more depressed. The next day we had even worse news! Only 2 embryos had divided normally and these were 2 of the IVF embies!! They were also only grade 2.

Well they went for the transfer (day 2 transfer) and it was extremely painful. I think this was due to the hyperstimulation. I could tell from the face of the embryologist that she didn't think there was much chance of the embies implanting although they pretended to be upbeat.

That night we stayed at my mother in law's house but within a few days we needed to get back home for all our animals. I'm sure climbing through those snowdrifts didn't help my chance of success.

I got all my normal premenstrual symptoms 5 days after the transfer. AF turned up right on time so the blood test was just a formality.

We were quite depressed. It was yet another nail in the coffin.

We had our follow up visit and the doctors seemed to think the drug dose had been too high for me, they wanted to slow it down next time so they could time things a lot better. Our health authority also agreed to fund the cycle.

We had to wait 6 months to get a slot. At one point it looked like we were going to have to wait for a year. I complained to the hospital and said we would go elsewhere. Well would you believe it? I had just made an appointment to go down to one of the best clinics in the world in Nottingham (some 400 miles away), when our hospital came up with a slot! I cancelled the Nottingham appointment and started treatment in August. They kept me on the down regulation for a week longer than usual because they were busy!! I started injections and this time had a much lower dose. I went in for my scans and there seemed to be very little happening! After 2 weeks (from starting the jabs) there seemed to be 6 follicles growing and things were looking ok. 2 days later I went in for another scan and they could only find 1 large follicle and the rest had shrunk!! I was upset so they called in the doctor to confirm the count. My E2 levels were also very low. The doctor thought we might have to abandon the cycle. I was really upset. They didn't want to increase the drug dose because it was policy to do a cycle at the same dose. They would prefer if necessary to start a fresh cycle.

I went home quite upset, it looked like our 2nd cycle had failed.

The hospital agreed to do another scan in 2 days but I could tell they weren't hopeful.

Well I went for the scan and I joked with the nurse: "let's see if there are any follicles left at all." To my amazement there were 5 follicles and they had grown. My E2 level had risen but oh so slowly, the only really hopeful sign was that my lining was extremely thick.

The follicles continued to grow slowly. The doctor warned me that the quality of the eggs could be poor because I had been on stims for so long. I think I was at day 21 of stims when I was finally ready to go for retrieval. So it was actually day 23 when they did the retrieval. What a long cycle!! They managed to get 5 eggs out of the 5 follicles. I hoped I'd get a better fertilisation rate than last time!! However I tried not to get my hopes too high. They decided not to go for ICSI because my dh came up with a half reasonable sperm count again!

The next day I telephoned and 4 out of 5 eggs had fertilised!! Now I knew we still had a chance.

That night it was the most beautiful starry night and two shooting stars streaked across the sky. I wondered if it was a sign...

The following day we went for the transfer. All four eggs had divided but only 3 were of sufficient quality. These 3 however were only grade 2-3. They don't transfer grade 4 and lower over here. Ordinarily they would only have transferred 2 embies but because the 3rd embie was of lower quality than the other two and not worth freezing, they agreed to transfer all three.

This time the transfer was painless and we were able to drive home right up to our front door.

About 3 days after transfer I started to get premenstrual symptoms but I wasn't irritable which was strange. Nearly every day from that time on there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Was God trying to tell me something? I wondered. I have to say it is really unusual to get rainbows here at this time of year.

I was feeling quite sick which is also unusual for me and I felt like I was coming down with the flu!! I have to say I was in a pretty hopeful frame of mind until Monday evening. The blood test was scheduled for Wednesday and AF was due on Tuesday. Well I started to have some very slight spotting. This is usually the way my AF starts. I was devastated! How could God give me so many hopeful signs and then do this to me? I told dh AF was coming. He wasn't really surprised although he said he couldn't explain it but he had felt so much more hopeful this time.

We went to bed but neither of us could sleep. I was just waiting for AF to come. I drifted off to sleep and then woke up crying. At 2am I got up and decided to go downstairs to have an argument with God. I told him he shouldn't have been so cruel as to have gotten my hopes up!! I then picked up my well-worn bible and flicked open at the pages that contained some of the promises that I felt God had given me when I was much younger. Promises about bearing children, and living to see my grandchildren! I think I quoted the promises at God to remind him!! I prayed that I had mistaken the spotting for AF coming.

I felt much better, I had told God how I felt and I knew it was in his hands now. I went back to bed and slept soundly.

The next morning (Tuesday) I fully expected AF to have started, I had loads of cramping, but there was no AF! All through the day I was expecting AF, but it didn't come! I couldn't believe it that I actually might make it to my blood test without knowing the result.

Wednesday came and still no AF. Maybe it's the progesterone, I thought. I went for my blood test at the hospital and I told the nurse that I was still waiting for AF. I think I detected a twinkle in her eye!

I had to wait 4 more hours for the result.

I had rehearsed what I would say for either outcome but when the call came nothing could have prepared me for what she said:

"Congratulations Laura, you're pregnant"!!!

I was stunned! I couldn't believe it! For one of the first times ever in my life I was stuck for anything to say!! The nurse asked if I was still there!! I confirmed that I was so she asked if I was ok. I told her it was great but I was gobsmacked!!

It has taken me nearly 10 years to become pregnant. At times I thought it would never happen. Some how I just couldn't let go of the dream. I'm so glad that I kept believing even though everything around me told me it was impossible.